Hey, I suppose

This blog is more or less exactly what it sounds like. I mean, I don't know what else I would do here.

In the light of reoccurring depression and recent low points in my life I have decided to once again take up blogging since writing things down seems to make me feel a little better and allows me to work out my thoughts.

Trust me, I never thought that I would be here at this point in my life. I mean, I'm almost 23, recently graduated from college and I'm still struggling with the same issues and themes that I was almost seven years ago. When I was sixteen I always imagined that I would spend these years in some big city, smoking cigarettes behind a restaurant, still dressed in my waitress clothes like those I was smoking with. Not still in small city, Utah with a BS in psychology and the perpetual and gripping anxiety that is continuing in higher education. I thought that there would be a lot of other things in store for me but instead I'm still single, the greatest sexual encounter I can boast is a drunken fumble over a spring break two years ago, and dipping in and out of depression like there's no other setting.

I think I just thought there would be more for me, and maybe that is contributing to the recent funk in which I have found myself and fear will soon become my permanent state. I have good days still, but they seem more like flashbulb moments in a room that's dark the other 99% of the time. I have enough human interaction to keep my head above water, but not enough to build a raft and make a break for the shore. I'm at odds with who I am and who I think that I should be. I worry about things that are out of my control. I keep trying to get better only to find myself right where I began and wondering if I have made any progress at all.

I don't know sometimes, and so I'll write it down here. I'll pour out my soul to the internet in the hopes that giving these thoughts and feelings presence and form will help me to better fight them, to move past them. I will try to carve out a spot for healthier thoughts and ways of being. I will make yet another attempt to become more at peace with who I am and let that person breath.

Really, I don't know that I can do these things or that writing them down even helps. But I believe that it might, so I'm going to give it a shot.