I thought things were getting better for a while. I really did.

I mean, he said sorry and I thought it would be the beginning of getting back to where we were. I thought that slowly I would be able to tell him my feelings, to trust him with them again, but it's not getting better.

We talk, but about stupid shit. We talk when other people are around. We shared stupid pleasantries the other morning and for a minute it felt like things were normal between us again. I wanted so badly to believe that they were.

But all these feelings are still here. I don't feel any better. If anything I feel worse. Because when it comes down to it I still don't trust him. It's like I'm waiting for the other shoe to fall, waiting for the next time he leaves me out or goes behind my back and it's killing me. I find that I can't even trust when he says he's sorry because his actions don't match up with his words. He isn't doing anything to make the situation better, and I'm getting tired of being the only one who is trying.

And that's what it's coming down to. I'm tired. I'm tired of feeling like shit over this and missing my best friend. I'm tired of trying to be the bigger person to make it easier on everyone else. I'm tired of trying to make things better by myself. And honestly, I'm tired of fighting so hard to hang on to someone I'm not even sure wants to be there anymore. Everything from this summer has been tearing me apart inside and when we talk it's like he's already forgotten it. And maybe he has. Maybe this isn't a big deal for him, but for someone who claims to be so empathetic and care about other people's feelings, he's just leaving me to feel like crap about everything.

He knows I'm upset. I told him as much when this all started. Sometimes I wonder if he's just giving me space, but he knows how dangerous that is for me. That's something else I've told him. When I'm alone with my own thoughts, I turn against myself. I start looking at all the ways that it's my fault, that I don't do enough, that I make it worse.

It's stupid to hope that he would see how much this hurts and that he would make the move to try and fix it. He probably thinks that I should just get over it. That I'm being oversensitive to things that don't even really matter. I'm sure there's a whole list of things I'm being that is far from rational. And that's dangerous too. Even I'm beginning to stop validating my own feelings and it feels like I'm going numb. There are moments when I'm happy, but they're infrequent. For most of the time I'm trying to force myself to move forward and struggling with just feeling stuck.

I just want things to get better, or at least to try. I want a sign that he still cares. And I'm beginning to lose hope in that.