It's been a rough couple of days.

I feel like a sham after that post about trying to get myself to a better place, because I'm back in a valley and am not really feeling that things will turn around. Currently we're just persevering and hoping for best because, hey, what else can you do?

I've made a new revelation about why I can't get over this thing with my roommate/friend. I was doing some self-reflection the other day while wanting to avoid the company of everyone who currently inhabits my apartment and I think I hit on why I'm so hurt over this. Why I feel hurt to the point that I can't get over it. It may also be why the last few days have been so rough.

I have a lot of negative self-talk, both subtle and not so subtle. I tend to play it off as a joke, but I say it. Because if I say it then no one else can and it's my way of protecting myself from others. I think it's something that I developed in middle school. But I already have all these negative feelings about myself: that I'm not good enough, that I'm not worthy of this, that, and the other, that soon those around me will realize these things about me and move on to someone less damaged. I have these thoughts circulating in my head almost constantly, and some days they're louder than others.

The other day I realized that I'm so inexplicably hurt by my friend's actions because, in a way, his actions just confirmed every crappy thing that I've ever thought about myself. My feelings and input don't matter, not even enough to ask if he and I could trade rooms. I'm not worth the time to tell that he took my room. And I mean, your friends should be the last people who reinforce those thoughts. I would hope they would never do anything like that. And in the way he ignored me for most of the summer and then did all this shit without telling me just makes me believe all these crappy things about myself are true.

So, I guess dealing with that is my next move. I'll have to give it until I'm out of this hole I'm currently occupying.