Today's been a pretty low day, which is stupid because it started off really good.

I've mentioned in previous posts that someone I considered to be one of my best friends really hurt me with some of his actions over the summer. I have been trying to work through my feelings surrounding the situation and moving on, because what else is there to do? The problem is that I'm still really hurt, and this isn't the first time someone close to me has hurt me and made me feel like I couldn't trust them.

As I think about it I think that a portion of the problem stems from the fact that it seems that everyone I let myself trust and get close to ends up hurting me in the end. The last time I heard from my friend that I was super close to almost from the start of college? Graduation. Another person I trusted with my flaws? Completely ignored me as I had an emotional breakdown in his room and then sent me on my way, only to later tell others that I had been a shitty friend. Girl I gave my heart to? Just wanted to be friends, and stopped talking to me when I told her how hurt I was. Girl I gave it to when I had put it back together? Constantly talked about how bad she wanted to sleep with another guy she knew despite knowing how I felt about her.

I'm the kind of person who commits one hundred percent of who they are to something. In my friendships I always want people to be happy, comfortable, I go out of my way to make these things happen. But I feel like when the time comes and I need them to be there for me, I'm all alone. It's getting harder to trust people with myself and my heart because it's been stepped on so many times before. With him, I forced that feeling down and told myself this time would be different. I wanted so badly for this time to be different.

Now I'm in the same fucked up place that I always find myself. And it's becoming exhausting. It's exhausting to keep trusting people, putting myself out there, and trying to give all I have to the relationships in my life when it is becoming the pattern that it's just going to get thrown back in my face.

I have to think that things will be better tomorrow, but i wee all these people around me with these friendships that have endured for years and thus far that longest I have had being friends with someone before they have left or done something shitty is a year and a half. The whole thing is becoming frustrating and upsetting and makes me not even want to try anymore.

'Til next time I suppose, hopefully things will be going a little better then.